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Bad Anorexic

*Just so you guys know; this is actually from May 26. I started my journal on Xanga, then realized how badly Xanga sucked.

I am a failure at my eating disorder.

Healthy Choice Steamers Sweet and Sour Chicken (390 calories). Not terribly yummy, but not bad and too hard to pick apart bit by bit and eat with my fingers.
I ate this while watching Full House. The show makes me feel so warm and young and childish, and it's a reward for eating something healthy and low cal. What a joke though. I used to be able to eat nothing but a lean cuisine all day. I ate that and nothing else until my boyfriend got home.

We went for a bike ride (I rode four miles...yay burning calories) and then he came home and made dinner.

Chicken breast stuffed with goat cheese and red pepper (all natural)
Oven Fries (all natural)

I don't even want to think about how many calories was in that. Fat Fucking failure. Sure, I might maintain eating that, but I'm not going to get to my goal weight (110 pounds). I need to hit that before I have kids; but I don't even know if I want any. I want to be a kid myself. 

We watched She Gets What she Wants while we ate.

This is a great triggering film. The main girl in it is beautiful and perfect - exactly how I want to be.

I did the self tanner and tried to think of new ways to be beautiful. I really wish that I could go blonde. I want to know what it feels like to be every guy's dream girl. Mostly, I just want to be pretty and perfect and live in a little bubble. I painted my nails to match the cool dress I'm wearing to the premiere of SATC2 tomorrow with my friend.They're chipped already. I'll have to fix them.

I also had a few chips and croutons later on in the night, because we got high. It was a bad high at first, but got better when we watched the Comedy Central Roast of Pam Anderson. It was really funny. Courtney Love was the highlight of the whole thing, and God if Pam Anderson isn't thinspiration. She is so perfect and tiny. Her body is so hard, and she's just fucking perfect looking. I could tell my boyfriend was drooling over her. I know he'd rather fuck her than me, even though he said that wasn't true. Yeah, right. Like I'm going to believe that? Here's some beautiful thinspiration from Pam and some fucked up girl comisery/thinspo from Courtney Love.
No matter how hard I work or what I do, I won't look like Pam. Well, I could if I could afford a tummy tuck for my leftover flab. I hate it. I hate how it covers my belly button piercing. I'm not having sex with my boyfriend lately, because he never comes onto me really. He wants it, but damn it, he needs to go after it. I'm sick of making the moves. I'm scared he'll leave me soon. Maybe I want him to. But then what would I do? Who would take care of me and pay for my ebay/online shopping habit?

I didn't write today. I have too much work to get done. I haven't applied to go back to school yet. I need to. I need to do something so that I can use my useless degree. I smoked too much.

Tomorrow, I'll be good for most of the day. I'll have food before SATC2 though (puke) and then a big ass bucket of popcorn drenched in butter which will probably be too digested/acidy to throw up by the time the movie is over. My boyfriend is off on Thursday, so we'll probably drink after the movie too. I can't really hang out with him sober.

Talk to you soon. And this is not who I really am. It's just the worst part of me.