So, I'm majorly pissed off that for like TWO days now, xanga hasn't let me upload photos to my blog. WTFE. I've decided to cross post everything to LJ. I need the thinspo. Things still suck, but I'm ready to try taking back a little control by doing the ABC (Ana Boot Camp) diet. In the off chance that one of you lovelies don't know what this is, it's a hardcore diet involving a few days of fasting and calorie alteration. I don't think there's really any merit to it, but it makes sense in that anorexic way.
Here's a copy of the diet:
day1: 500 calories(or less)
day2: 500 calories(or less)
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
Now, I can't get my writing off purple. Whatever. I'm not planning on sticking it out the whole 50 days, but who knows? Maybe I'll be strong for the first time in a long time. It's the perfect time to starve. No money. Depressed. At least I can do something.
I'm eating a burrito as I type this. A taco bell burrito. Fuck me. I'm going to throw it up. It's the first thing I've had all day, and it's 10 pm. Today was shitty. My relationship is falling apart, and I want it to. I'm also scared.
I woke up and went swimming. We still have no power. I swam 10 mini laps and 10 full laps and then walked with my boyfriend to Wal-mart. The plan was to have a nice dinner, purge, and walk home. It's like a 15 minute walk, so yay burning calories. Instead, we get in a big fight. He wants ME to pay for dinner. Even though he got paid yesterday, and I've been buying everything for like a week now. He'd used his check, plus all his "savings" to pay our rent. He'd lied to me in the past about our savings. He continues to lie to me throughout the day, as always, and finallly, when's it's beaten out of him, admits the truth.
I'm so sick of the lies. Of not loving him. Of this giant clusterfuck. I hate him so much. We get in a fight. I fucking try to walk home and get lost, going way out of my way and (yay) burning calories. When we catch up with each other, we just fought more. He'd bought wine and a fucking burrito. Only one bottle. Not enough to get properly smashed. I'll probably have to walk back up there to get more. I hate him so much. I hate my life so much. I can't wait to get this fucking burrito out of me. I wish I could just not eat at all. FUck fuck fuck. The only good thing is that I actually felt semi-hot in my bikini. There were lots of fatties at the pool. Off to throw up now. FML.
What I look like in a bikini:
What I wish I looked like in a bikini:
I think Lindsay's bod is my favorite. I Love the way her collarbones are soft but pronounced and that her breasts are still full with a flat tummy.
I pick Tara Reid, because mainly, she's not PERFECT. I'll never be perfect until I get surgery, cause I have loose/extra skin on my tummy. Tara Reid is a little jiggly in the area too, so her "perfect" body is actually attainable.
Even my shitty fucking boyfriend admitted Paris looks hot here. Look at how strong and tight her abs look. Taut.
Now, I'm not the norm here, but I do believe you can be too skinny. Nicole Richie is good if you want that overly thin look for yourself, but not good if you're trying to keep your ed on the downlow. I am in love with how tiny her ankles are.
I hate myself.
I hate my life.
I hate everything.
I hate the fact that I can't be Mormon.
I hate that I'm stuck with my boyfriend; too afraid to leave him, but hating every minute of staying. It just got comfortable.
I hate that I am so unmotivated.
I hate that I can spend hours on the internet.
I hate that my car is broken down.
I hate that nobody cares about me and that they have no reason to.
I hate myself for hating my mom.
I hate that I smoke.
I hate that I get freaked out when I smoke.
I hate that I have really bad writer's block.
I hate that I don't like the last place I published my story.
I hate that nobody reads this journal.
I hate that I don't care.
I hate that I eat.
I hate that I puke.
I hate that I worry.
I wish I could starve. Anorexia, where are you? I miss you.
To get back on track with this shit, I'm going to go buy a fucking accurate scale. Any suggestions? I could also REALLY use some ana diet suggestions. Our power is out; we are living off of a cord running from our neighbors that allows us to hook up the computer and a lamp. This means the stove and the fridge don't work. This could make not eating easier. Maybe I will do nothing but celery and salsa or something like that? Suggestions, please. Boyfriend is off today, and we'll probably eat shit. I can start Sunday.
yeah, well it doesn't. Cute vintage dress does not fit my fat, disgusting @ss. Worst of all, someone told me I am not aging well. I'm only 24 but maybe the partying/booze/cigarettes have taken their toll. I'm going to try to find a cream or a lotion something. I hate myself. Looking old at 24.
So I've been fucking disgusting since that night at the movies. Food. Food. Food. Puke. Puke. Puke. I'm shoving popcorn in my face now, and I don't even want it...I just NEED it to kill something inside of me. I hate myself so fucking much right now.
Tomorrow is time to get hardcore. I will fit in that fucking dress by the end of the week. Watch me. I am going to hang it up on the fridge as thinspiration. I want to say that I can do nothing but lean cuisine and slim fast, but god I get so hungry. I think I'll do salads, salads and lean cuisines. I think I heard the grilled chicken salad from McDonald's is low cal. Okay, I can do this. And I guess my ass should exercise. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. That dress is going to fit. Got major compliments on SATC outfit:
Dress: Black, gauzy tutu dress (Target)
Shoes: Shiny black ballet flats (somewhere in France)
Hair: Front pulled back. Loosely straightened.
Make-up: Black/Gold eyeshadow with smudgy "eyeliner" that was really just eyeshadow
Accessories: pearl earrings (claire's) with pearl necklace (gift from Mom) giant pink ring pop ring (Tori Spelling) black vinyl purse
Definitely a win.
Actually, pretty much everything equals thinspiration for me. I love Full House, obviously, but I have to say. All those girls grew up to be beautiful and blonde and perfect looking. God, I want to go blonde. We'll see. Jodie Sweetin is my absolute favorite. She was such a cute, talented little girl and look at her now:
Damn. I didn't mean to cut her head off, but do you even need to see it? She's got giant boobs, a tiny waste, and perfect fixed teeth. I do too. Well, my dog messed up one of my Snap on Smiles, but it's still wearable. Plus, I'm getting another one. I want to get rid of the stupid dog. Here's Candace Cameron Bure. She was never really SKINNY, but she still looks good:
That autograph wasn't for me. I wish it was though.
Then, of course there's MK - anorexic icon. God, the Olsen twins got so friggin lucky in the body department. They get to be cute little girls forever:
I love how laid back her style is. Mine is like that...sometimes. I like her smudgy eyeliner and just rolled out of bed bohemian vibe too.
Here's one of all the girls:
When am I going to be so thin and beautiful? Probably not today. I ate a Lean Cuisine Lemongrass Chicken for lunch and snacked on Waaay too many croutons before that. The LC wasn't bad, but all those fucking croutons. Fat ass calories. We're going to have appetizers before the premiere tonight, and I can probably sneak off to the bathroom and retch those up. No go on the popcorn but whatever. I haven't done any exercise. I just wrote an article, ignored the rest of my work that's due, and sent some emails to a few casting/modeling ads. I really need to get a real job and a real life, but I don't want to. I like what I'm doing. I like all the freedom it gives me. I want things to be nice and lovey between me and the boyfriend. They haven't been feeling very good lately. Sigh. I didn't finish cleaning up. I want a perfect house. and a perfect body. and a perfect life. What's that song?!
Lunch was a wonderful 260 calories. Food, why do I have to love you so much? In fact, right now, I'd like to drive to the Chinese buffet and pig the fuck out.
Last but not least, I bought a vintage dress from Ebay. About 50 dollars. I hope it will fit and that it will look as cute on. I'm wearing a ballerina dress to the movie tonight. Will fill you in on my make-up, hair, and accessories later.
Let's hope it's this adorable when I get it in the mail!
Healthy Choice Steamers Sweet and Sour Chicken (390 calories). Not terribly yummy, but not bad and too hard to pick apart bit by bit and eat with my fingers.
We went for a bike ride (I rode four miles...yay burning calories) and then he came home and made dinner.
Chicken breast stuffed with goat cheese and red pepper (all natural)
Oven Fries (all natural)
I don't even want to think about how many calories was in that. Fat Fucking failure. Sure, I might maintain eating that, but I'm not going to get to my goal weight (110 pounds). I need to hit that before I have kids; but I don't even know if I want any. I want to be a kid myself.
We watched She Gets What she Wants while we ate.
This is a great triggering film. The main girl in it is beautiful and perfect - exactly how I want to be.
I also had a few chips and croutons later on in the night, because we got high. It was a bad high at first, but got better when we watched the Comedy Central Roast of Pam Anderson. It was really funny. Courtney Love was the highlight of the whole thing, and God if Pam Anderson isn't thinspiration. She is so perfect and tiny. Her body is so hard, and she's just fucking perfect looking. I could tell my boyfriend was drooling over her. I know he'd rather fuck her than me, even though he said that wasn't true. Yeah, right. Like I'm going to believe that? Here's some beautiful thinspiration from Pam and some fucked up girl comisery/thinspo from Courtney Love.
I didn't write today. I have too much work to get done. I haven't applied to go back to school yet. I need to. I need to do something so that I can use my useless degree. I smoked too much.
Tomorrow, I'll be good for most of the day. I'll have food before SATC2 though (puke) and then a big ass bucket of popcorn drenched in butter which will probably be too digested/acidy to throw up by the time the movie is over. My boyfriend is off on Thursday, so we'll probably drink after the movie too. I can't really hang out with him sober.
Talk to you soon. And this is not who I really am. It's just the worst part of me.
- Current Music:Reading The Baby-Sitter's Club # 33, Claudia and the Great Search
- Current Mood: hungry
- Current Music:Me and Mia.